A deep-seated desire to love and be loved is part of what makes us human. We actively seek close relationships either in the form of friendship, courtship, partnership or through other means. These relationships, if healthy, improve the quality of our lives and create avenues for our legitimate needs to be met. Being in a wrong relationship on the other hand, is worse than being alone because it has the tendency to breed unhappiness, frustration, and ultimately regret. Romantic relationships involve two individuals (male and female) who are attracted to each other and are willing to go a step further by jointly committing to a journey in love and intimacy.
Love relationships could be very exciting and even sometimes “heavenly”. This beauty and ecstasy was described and celebrated in fascinating details in a book of the bible; Songs of Solomon. As believers, our relationships, (including the romantic ones) should glorify GOD and operate within the ambit of the scripture and by the guidance of the Holy Spirit. For instance, Christians should not go into love relationships just for the fun of it but primarily with the institution of marriage in mind. Even though love relationships could be very exciting, it is important to note that they could be very delicate at the same time. This calls for the utmost care and wisdom on the part of lovers. When two people are in love, their emotions and expectations are usually so high that it would look like a “happily ever after’ affair without any silver lining whatsoever. This is usually not the case as some realities will begin to manifest as time goes on in the relationship.
Some of the common challenges people face in love relationships include but are not limited to the following:
• “Carry-over” from past relationships: this can occur when partners allow their previous experience in a relationship to interfere with their current one. It may be a lingering emotional attachment with an “Ex (former lover)” or the fear that the present relationship would end like the past one(s).
• Family influence/pressures: some family members may not approve of a particular relationship. This sentiment could be based on prejudices, economic considerations, or doctrinal sentiments. The sense of rejection from future in-laws could be a tough pill to swallow.
• Sexual temptation: physical attraction is an important component of romantic love but it has to be controlled until the nuptial knot is tied. This is not always easy for people in courtship especially when the relationship has been on for a long time or when one of the parties is persistently demanding for sex.
• Personality flaws and compatibility problems: some very unpleasant traits may manifest in a partner or even remain despite many corrections, advice, and prayers. This could be very frustrating as the personality flaws in question may be contrary to the value system of the other party. Examples of such traits are temper issues, harmful addictions, or laziness.
• Unmet emotional needs: people go into relationships with different degrees of emotional expectations, when these needs are not met there is a tendency for disappointment, withdrawal, coldness as well as loss of interest in the relationship.
• Long distance issues: keeping long-distance relationships introduces many challenges. Some of these include: having inadequate time together for better understanding and interaction; issues bothering on trust and the high possibility of distractions and breakup.
• Double dating (unfaithfulness): double dating is a situation where a person goes into other love relationships while still committed to an existing one. People do this for various reasons; it could be to test which is better out of two mates or in order to have a backup in case there is a breakup.
• Doubts and fears: This situation can occur when one or both partners become uncertain about the suitability of their mate. It could be as a result of a storm (unemployment), an external influence (availability of other suitors), or because of undue comparison with other relationships.
So what can be done to make your relationship work in view of the challenges identified above?
• Understand the problem: You can’t solve a problem you don’t understand. There should be a concrete attempt to study the situation on the ground in order to find out what the root cause of their issue is. In some cases, the root cause could be very clear while in some other cases more patience is required. Don’t mistake a symptom for the root cause. Coldness or withdrawal in a relationship is usually a symptom that indicates a deeper issue.
• Examine yourself: There may be need to ask some pertinent questions such as; is there a way I have contributed to this problem? Are there adjustments I need to make in order to improve my relationship? Doing things the same way and expecting to get a different result is not consistent with reality. Relationships require some level of flexibility and adjustments to flourish.
• Talk to your father: As a father, God is very interested in your relationship and general wellbeing. Before going into a relationship, his consent should be sought, when challenges come along the way he should be the first to be consulted. Prayer gives us access to the grace and wisdom required to go through challenges and still come out victorious. When we go to God in prayer, it is important to be sincere and open minded in order to receive clear directions from him. It is when we follow his instructions and principles that we can be sure of positive outcomes.
• Communicate with your partner: When things go wrong in a relationship, the two parties must learn to communicate. You should confront issues without being confrontational with your partner. The discussion can take different forms; in a relaxed manner or in a more serious atmosphere (to emphasize the gravity of the matter). Discretion is required in order to know what to say, how to say it and when to say it. Issues that are not properly addressed now can cause a lot of harm and hurt in the future especially if the relationship ends up in marriage.
• Be accountable to someone: there is need for godly and seasoned counselors in every relationship. The counselor(s) could be your pastor or any mature Christian who has sufficient experience and understanding about relationship matters. Counselors should not be engaged only at the point of crisis but should be involved in the relationship from the very beginning. When challenges come and they seem beyond what the two of you can handle, experienced and born again counselors should be consulted.
• Exercise patience: It is most likely that the problem did not start in a day and would probably also not vanish in a moment. There is need for patience when dealing with a matter as delicate as relationships. When we are in a hurry we tend to make mistakes. You need to also remember that the feelings and decisions of others are involved, so there might be need to give them some time to put their acts together.
• Be courageous: Once you are clear on the steps to take, courage is required in order to translate those decisions into actions. Keeping a relationship may require you to examine yourself and make personal sacrificial changes. You may also need to consider if the relationship should continue or be terminated and then act accordingly. When serious doubts persist about the commitment of one partner despite all attempts at resolution, it may then become necessary to put an end to the relationship.
CONCLUSION There is no relationship that is totally free of challenges because partners come from different backgrounds with different levels of exposure. What is important is how those challenges are handled. This is why relationship is for mature individuals who are ready to learn and adjust.
Bio: Tunde Abiola is an author, youth lover and IT professional. He currently lives in Lagos, Nigeria with his family and pastors a parish of the Redeemed Christian Church of GOD (RCCG).
He is the author of the book
Resolving Issues in Courtship
Which can be found here OkadaBooks https://okadabooks.com/book/about/resolving_issues_in_courtship/33382#.XsVHzqC9N4U